:::Beginning mentation:::
Some months ago, I had an insight: I noticed the cause of every problem I ever experienced.
It’s the only thing I ever paid my fullest attention to: a stream of thoughts.
One such problem was that I was “bad with names.” Actually, I realized I never even heard their names; I could have been thinking about what to say next, what they might have been thinking of me, judging them or thinking about who knows what.
Being bad with names was, of course, the least of my problems.
The absolute worst of which were the problems derived from the very rigid idea I had of myself which I sought to maintain. Trying to live up to internal and externally-perceived expectations, futilely trying to manage the external perception of myself, and behaving in other self-limiting and self-defeating ways, especially against my better judgment. I wasn’t living an authentic life; I was only an actor who experienced fear, anxiety, depression, worry, and limited self-worth. Depressingly, most of the ideas I had about myself weren’t even my own. Furthermore, I continuously went against my own self-nature to maintain this false conception of myself. To relieve myself of any fault, I blamed others and my circumstances. I projected. I complained. Life was extremely miserable.
By the way, this is a mental process.
Any mental process must lead to error.
-Huangbo
Uh oh. Oops.
In a moment of clarity, the constant thinking of myself, my life and my past simply ceased. It just happened on its own with the realization it was the cause of its problems. I had been caught in a trap, seeking to solve problems from the past which is not only impossible, it needn’t be done. I haven’t forgotten anything, it just doesn’t seem to matter anymore.
Just detach from gross mental objects, and whatever subtle ones there are will naturally clear out, and eventually you will come to understand spontaneously; you don't need to seek. This is called putting conceptualization to rest and forgetting mental objects, not being a partner to the dusts.
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The only essential thing in learning Zen is to forget mental objects and stop rumination.-Foyan, Learning Zen
If you can only rid yourselves of conceptual thought, you will have accomplished everything.
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So you students of the Way should immediately refrain from conceptual thought. Let a tacit understanding be all! Any mental process must lead to error.
-Huangbo
I have reduced entanglements and simplified life in a way that, in my view, is less distracting. There are people I don’t see anymore because I choose not to see them; whereas, I used to believe I had to see them.
But am I only 'eliminating environment' while still indulging in conceptual thought?
Ordinary people all indulge in conceptual thought based on environmental phenomena, hence they feel desire and hatred. To eliminate environmental phenomena, just put an end to your conceptual thinking. When this ceases, environmental phenomena are void; and when these are void, thought ceases. But if you try to eliminate environment without first putting a stop to conceptual thought, you will not succeed, but merely increase its power to disturb you.
-Huangbo
At what point are the changes I’ve implemented 'eliminating environment' versus true actions that validly serve this person? What use is the distinction? Only I would know the answer. I still think conceptually; maybe this is the source of doubt.
Earlier this week, while in an apple orchard picking apples, I was disturbed. I complained and blamed. Later, I thought I might have betrayed my own nature. I stayed when I wanted to leave. Why was I complaining at that time? Was it an attempt to absolve myself of the responsibility of acting?
Is this another mental process?
Any mental process must lead to error.
-Huangbo
There is still work to do.
Is wanting to leave avoidance of the situation? Is wanting to leave wrong? Is it wrong to want? Why distinguish right from wrong? Where am I now? The orchard?
Am I deceiving just myself?
You can only attain realization if you don't deceive yourself.
-Foyan, Seeing Mind
Reading Zen literature has affected my behavior. A better way to put it is I notice behavioral changes. I can't say why really. Are the behavior changes I notice contrived doings? Some are, some aren't. Are errant thoughts driving these changes? Or is this acting more naturally and less contrived? Are old habits being broken? Are habits the Way?
Have you not read the ancient saying, "Don't change the former person, just change the former behavior."
In your conduct, day and night, keep evolving higher; then even if you do not attain enlightenment, you will still be a highly refined individual. Be sure to be attentive.
-Foyan, Keep Evolving
Reading the BCR, when I understand a case, in my view, it often seems behavioral in nature. The masters or monks act or speak a certain way, I realize how I would have acted or spoken in that very situation, only later to find myself acting or speaking differently as a result...or not. Is this the evolving Foyan spoke of? Is this contrived activity? Maybe the behavior only appears different because I am not always the doer? When I think about it maybe I only become the doer after the fact? Why am I thinking about it?
Is it evolving or faking it, when one responds to someone how Joshu might have? Or neither?
How does Joshu respond?
Haven't you read the saying of ancient sages, "Show the truth in every word, refer to the source in every statement." You do not yet understand; you just adopt positions at random. Don't be like this anymore when you come for interviews. While it can be said you do not understand, you can be straightened out.
-Foyan, Show the Truth
Sometimes, especially lately, the darndest things come out of this mouth. It’s nice hearing my SO laugh at words that I didn’t say. In my view, that can’t be faked.
Though I sometimes still hesitate. Why? Is it worth asking? Is asking seeking? Is there a need?
Right now if you are questioned and cannot speak, where is the fault? It is generally because of seeing forms where there is no form, hearing a voice where there is nothing said, forcing rationalizations where there is no reason, asserting control where there is no control.
If you cannot get rid of this, that is referred to as "diseased eyes still there, flowers in the sky fall in confusion." Why? Just because mind is still there; so you cannot speak.
-Foyan, Asleep
I dream. While reading Linji last night, I identified with the monks getting hit for their hesitation, which caused more doubt to arise. What causes doubt? Thoughts? Was I being questioned by Linji at that moment? I questioned myself. Is this where doubt comes from?
:::Ending mentation:::
Submitted September 27, 2020 at 03:53AM by Purpleisnotacolor https://ift.tt/30dX2xP
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