Studying zen is not a full-time activity I dedicate myself to 24/7, but It's a concern that's been in my life for a while. How to reach enlightenment, how to achieve peace of mind, how to be my real self, how to see the world as it truly is and accept it as it truly is, etc. These were all goals of mine at some point, and I connected them to the notion of Zen.
The more I sought answers, the more I grew anxious and suffered. I went through several rough patches in life, some of them directly due to seeking Zen, existential crises, trying to figure out who I was, etc. Often I thought my study of Zen was in order to know more about the world and life in a deep, ultra conscious way. But, I've been thinking recently, that it all might just be me trying to learn more about myself and who I am. Not just in parallel with other types of understanding, but at its core, I believe the whole point was to understand myself. Then it hit me, what if this is the case with other practitioners? What if this is the case with everyone?
Why do people study Zen? To find peace? To better understand the essence of life? Of the universe? To feel a sense of fulfillment or hobby? To have something to believe in? I wager it is the same for everyone. We seek enlightenment because really all we want is to be at peace with ourselves. This must be what is meant by detachment from the ego. Or at least, that is part of the process. But I believe it goes beyond that. No human can navigate society without a persona. A character. One cannot rid himself of his ego in the sense that he loses his notion of "self". Instead, one can grow to see everything else and how the self is a small yet huge part of it, depending on what you compare yourself to. And yet, no thing is greater or lesser than any other.
Too often I find people seeking Zen and practicing zen and reading and posting cute quotes on social media, only to find themselves shouting and arguing 20 minutes latter. Is this shouting part of zen? Or is this a result of lack of practice? How should a human behave? What should be aimed for? Should one simply do as they please, and in that freedom there is zen, even if it means murder and rape? Or should one seek to be disciplined and format oneself to be a decent human being? What is it to be oneself? What do people really mean when they say "Just be yourself"? What if I don't know who I am? Then how should I behave if I am to be myself? What if I change everyday?
I regularly restrain myself from arguing or generally bursting out even though I feel the need to, because I know I will be mean and often not even be right, but somehow, I feel this urge eating me from the inside. But what if I don't? What if I simply feel insecure about standing up for myself and use that as an excuse? Or what if I really am very patient and feel it is unjust to be yelled at without shouting back so I persuade myself to also be angry even though I might not truly be so?
It feels that I cannot truly know. How can zen help me? If you wish to understand zen I suspect the first thing you need to do is understand Self.
Submitted June 06, 2019 at 04:13AM by Tatakai_ http://bit.ly/2WLpsim
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