NO DISILLUSIONMENT:NO ENLIGHTENMENT -- Foyan
Foyan called this saving one's energy 100%.
I wonder, is this like running a manual shift car in neutral while still coasting under whatever speed one had inherently? What about steering? Is there any need to worry about steering with "the great vehicle"? Why do I do not beLIEve that I am part of a great vehicle? Why do I feel like I've long ago wrecked and am still trapped inside? Of course it's not. This is madness.
U MAD BRO? I MAD.
UGH. Remember Foyan, John. I say "mu" and disengage my mind from the internal litany, but I do not entertain any sense of "enlightenment". The sudden quiet is like a misstep off a curb. Vertigo. I wonder if this is the energy saving that Foyan writes of and then I find time has passed as this thought became another became another and now I am clenched and rocking and lost once again in the internal litany.
Madness again.
Ugh2. FOYAN! I say "mu" to myself again and look to disengage my mind. The same me everyone says isn't really me. Who am I? More madness. More "mu". More deliberate handling of my attentions away from the entangling wreckage. More deep breaths and looking for Foyan's neutral gear. Slipping. Grinding. Why bother? Both axles are broken. Years pass. Weeds grow so tall my wreck is lost, obscured at the bottom of a cliff. Gathered in the roots of the trees. Stop this, John. Wake up. PAY ATTENTION. Isn't this all supposed to be illusion? It sure AF feels real!
Another breath.
Another internal "mu". I grab myself by the scruff and once again shift to neutral. More vertigo. How many years has it been like this?...oh no, not that long Nausea. That last place feeling.
Another breath. Another shift. So easy to attain and lose. Am I sabotaging myself? I don't practice anything anymore, but I do have a favorite stretch: to stand and hold my hands above my head. I use headphones and pick out songs I enjoy and keep my hands held aloft until it ends. The pain in my shoulders feels like cold air. None of this will ever be unwound.
I am not lost. I am lost.
Submitted December 09, 2017 at 11:01PM by john--jones http://ift.tt/2A70HhI
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