What does it mean to practice? Can I draw peace from zen?

Hello.

I decided a few days ago that the way I carried myself, the constant anxiety and narcissism, self loathing, indecision was becoming too much and I feel like I want to, for the first time in my life, actually try to change things like that. I was introduced to zen by someone from work. I felt overwhelmed and obsessed with status, talent, material possessions, relationships, other people in a way that, in my opinion, tangibly affected my mental health and day to day life.

I'm currently reading "The Way of Zen" with plans to start "Instant Zen" after that. I know nothing, I guess that's the point, but I maybe feel like I'm taking away the wrong things. Or applying them the wrong way, if there is such thing as application. I had decided alongside this that I would also make an attempt to be kinder to people, be a better listener, and generally be more agreeable. In my view, this is a completely separate concept to anything one could learn from recognizing zen. I want to feel love and give love and see and accept people as they are. And accept myself as I am. There are things I think about that resemble the concept of "mindfulness" that I think do help me a little, though again, I don't think that's necessarily a facet of zen though is it at odds with it?

In order to assuage inner turmoil, I'm trying to change my perspective on life. I don't want to "force" anything but I think that I have to at least try and see how I feel and react when I make an effort to be at peace with things around me and eventually maybe that will just be a natural feeling and reaction I nurtured from within. Something else I struggle to look at in the context of zen is what I should "care" about and if I should care at all. I don't think a cynical "nothing matters" view is helpful for the world or the soul, and it's my understanding a view of nothing really mattering is in some ways a pillar of zen though I think it comes from a much more serene place. I enjoy music, I enjoy people, I love animals, I enjoy creativity. Is my enjoyment of things like these running against my desire to explore and be content with zen?

Any guidance, books, etc would be appreciated.

Submitted May 26, 2022 at 06:57AM by BlackDog299 https://ift.tt/CABFOcf