Heroically Working in the Darkness [Repost]

Once I stayed for some time at a small Zen temple. I got up at the proper time, 4:30 a.m. and cleaned the temple every day, but the monks were all in bed until seven or eight o'clock. I cursed them as I swept, and despised them as I washed the floor. I hoped the rōshi would get up and catch them slacking and find me heroically working in the darkness, but he never did. He was in bed himself.

 

I judged the monks indifferent to their duty and to the welfare and prosperity of Zen. I thought of nothing else but them and their idleness, and begrudged both my own labour and their slumbers.

 

Some time after, hearing of this from me, the rōshi asked, "For whose sake do you clean the temple?" This question was a puzzler. He himself answered, "For your own sake. When you work, work for yourself, not for other people." This is the meaning of 實參 , When you work, just work, don't worry about whether others are working, or whether the temple will be burned down next week or not. When you sleep, just sleep, don't worry about whether your beard is in the bed or outside. When you write a book, don't worry about whether it will ever be published or whether anyone will ever read it. When you post, just post for your own benefit, don't worry about appearing clever or studious or enlightened, or reaching some karma threshold.

-- From Zen and Zen Classics Volume 4, Mumonkan Case 4, Blyth's Commentary (except that last bit)

 

wrrdgrrl's commentary (for wrrdgrrl's sake): I first started hitting my head against this idea in university. We had a deadline to meet, and I worked hard to meet the deadline, and some other students were allowed to hand in their work after the deadline with no penalty. I felt that this was not fair. The professor, a bible scholar, told me about the parable of the Workers in the Vineyard, and even after that, I felt that my efforts should be rewarded at a different level than the "slackers". This was a deep resentment.

Now, as a "grown ass adult," I still struggle with the motivations behind my efforts, especially if it's something for which I can or may receive praise. Lately I have been endeavoring to behave with personal integrity, yet even those efforts might sometimes be so that others will see me in a certain light. This verse/commentary from Case 4 really struck the same chord with me. Why do I post on the forum? Why do I engage with those who bait me? Why am I studying this topic at all? I wonder if any of you ever wonder these things. "What do I hope to gain from studying zen?" I've been asked this question by various other members of the r/zen forum, and I have yet to offer an adequate response. So many wrrds to muddle over something that maddeningly defies language.

I think it has something to do with my love/hate relationship with my intellect (grasping and rejecting), and a fear of what remains if nobody knows how smart I am. And beneath that - Will people still like me even if I'm not clever and funny? What then?

[Insert pithy summation comment here]

Submitted September 28, 2020 at 11:15PM by wrrdgrrl https://ift.tt/36dsgsP