This would change as I originally typed it, and I am sorry if it does not fit the rules of r/zen.
I am completely lost in life. I recently graduated from college with an IT degree at 25 years old. I feel as if I wasted ⅓ of my life doing nothing. I run from X to Y to solve my life, but I have no energy, drive, motivation, discipline, or whatever you want to call it to truly change it.
I get “I” may not exist, but I am an English speaker that was born in the US. An “I” has always existed, and I am not going to start saying “this non-permanent entity that is typing”. I desire a lot of things. I want to learn Japanese, study for the A+ or Network+ exams so I actually know a thing about IT (believe me, I was such a lazy piece of shit that I did not learn anything from my IT degree. It barely even had IT classes. It was more a business admin degree.), study history and philosophy, read the Zen masters, actually meditate (be it for Zen or just the supposed medical/mental benefits).
I “tried” countless things. Start small with micro-habits, change my attitude, take self-responsibility, just do it and stop being a lazy piece of shit, try to be positive to myself, medications (I tried at least one medication from each of the major antidepressant categories), I saw three separate therapists, I tried changing my environment like getting rid of distractions or going to the library, and so on. Of course, some of those things, I didn’t really try because I lack the motivation to even truly begin. I might randomly get the desire to meditate, but I have no actual drive to do it consistently. In a sense, part of me does not actually want to change, and I detest this fact.
I sought out Zen so that I can change. Like many people in the West, I associated Zen with self-improvement. Eventually, I would find out Zen was much more, and I love what I have seen of it. Sadly, I can’t seem to actually dive into it as that requires reading which requires discipline and drive. Still, what I find there is fascinating, but I am still lost in it. I still don’t really get it. What is Zen? But I guess that’s the point sometimes, it is nothing or it is something only the enlightened can somehow comprehend. While I appreciate finding it, it has just become the most recent adventure of me barely digging skin deep into another subject trying to save my life. I abhor myself and my life. Honestly, I deserve this constant unease and self-hate. I wish I had the fortitude to kill myself. Maybe that will finally answer the questions, but even if it doesn’t, at least I won’t have to experience another day of doing nothing. I wish that could motivate me too. And to counter the r/getdisciplined user that may read this, I mean motivation to change in the first place, not relying on motivation to do push-ups every day but the fundamental desire to do the push-ups in the first place. Of course, maybe I need to just do, and the desire will come later. Well that’s great, but it doesn’t change the fact that I won’t fucking do. Life is bound to catch up. I only have so much money to spend on fast food and wasteful eatings at restaurants, my mom only has so many years left to live before she dies and I have nowhere else to live, before my unhealthy eating habits lead to a heart attack.
Of course, this is all self-pity, and I need to be the one to change. Well, I have been trying to do that for 10 fucking years, and I have not moved an inch. I have no control over myself as evident from 10 years of data points. Why can’t I find an answer to this? Why can’t I find in myself or out of myself a sense of power to actually change. I just want to do things that mean something to me and bring me more joy than the void of hedonistic “happiness” of eating shit food or watching brainless videos. I don’t even know why I type this. I make posts like this every few months or so, and nothing comes of it because in the end, I cannot actually take charge of my own life.
Submitted August 24, 2020 at 03:56AM by ConsistentBread1 https://ift.tt/31mGrJf
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