Hi all, I'm u/hookerforgod I've been lurking here for the better part of the last two years, dipping a middle finger in the waters every now & then.
I have been through AA's 12 steps many times in the last 12 years. Program has become a lifestyle through repetition, practice & learning to love to fail. Borg fucking assimilation complete!
I really am grateful but it's definitely to a fault. I've been thinking.. (already wrong) of how old, pure, distilled Alcoholics Anonymous practices relate to Zen. I can "feel" their similarity in the paradoxical examples, their humor & sarcasm. So, AA is great, but I'm looking for more, or actually no, in this case.. I'm probably looking for less right? =)
It was literally like Zen brought me in to show me a sword & with a promise - & then when I get here, nobody has a sword & everyone is arguing about the sword's fucking superposition.. then it gets quiet, the noise comes in & out in waves & I remember that that promise - Yeah, Zen.... had nothing to do with that, I was the one who came in projecting: wanting to use Zen as an intellectual weapon... Exhausting
Turns out, I am not this angry vindictive bastard I thought I was - Ive found through AA that I have a pretty fucking infinite capacity for pain, for love & forsuffering. I'm definitely not who I thought I was... but I'm here to learn /unlearn. I know that I don't know if I know this is more... Or less...
I became vulnerable enough to go through AA's "shtick" & gained a lot of autobiographical insight - more from a sober mind than from any psychedelic I've done. (yeah..) But I know today that LSD-25 is not "the way."... Bottom line, I'm here to take direction - what do I do first? Where do I go from here? & when do I do it?
Thank you for suffering through this post —I am grateful for you - u/hookerforgod
Submitted June 05, 2020 at 01:40AM by hookerforgod https://ift.tt/3gOnB3r
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