Hold my fear!
Once upon a time There was the tedium of earthly dwelling. The unfulfilling pursuit of fulfilling pursuits, one after another. The mundanity of success, the banalities of failure. I could recall the crawling out of the crater from our fall. The embarrassment of sudden mortality. For a time, I lived to cross the bridge made of rebellious magpies and crows they would so generously fabricated for us. To reunite with her who would also reject the tedium of the Gods. Why do Gods need clothes? Why do Gods need herds of perfected animals? Perhaps that is what she wondered as she leapt from the Star we called home for what seems a brief eternity. In my dullness, I simply wondered where she was going. Crawling from the crater, eyes filled with human tears. What we found on earth was the same tedium that exists in heaven. Like a run on sentence punctuated by delight every now and again. Every now and again missing the opalescence of the heavens that can be found as blood rushes to a head while fasting. The demons crawling out of hell, by luck and serendipities were thwarted in their attempts to reach up and grab me. Until I made one too many promises I couldn’t keep, and there they found me. At first there was fear, and revulsion, violence and ignorance. Their blood, my blood, who is keeping score? They dragged me down kicking and screaming like a toddler in a tantrum. The sage, all the while, with her celestial abacus calculating the number of frames left in this act. The Buddha appearing in dreams, seated in chocolate temples, speaking of other shores. Mara’s seductress, with all her power, married her flesh to mine and stabbed our womb repeatedly with glee. Drained of my resolve as these devils found their ways into higher and higher seats of terrifying power, I offered my body to be devoured. Over and over they consumed my flesh. Pieces of my body strewn to all corners of samsara, that weird thing in your coffee that one time, that you picked off your tongue and flicked on the ground. Tedium! Tedium was here too! Once they had their fill and had their sick laughter I found myself utterly alone. The greatest tedium of all! Living with myself and no one else. What anguish! What a fruitless landscape! Starving, dying, birth, starving, dying, birth, starving, dying, birth. The greatest tedium I assure can you of. It got to be so that i surreptitiously spent sleepless dark nights in hell, slaying demons for the thrill. Addicted to destruction and death, cutting off the heads of behemoths and horrors just to pass the time. After a while there were no demons left in hell but I. They had all taken up births as mothers, and children, and dogs, and gods. Alone with myself in hell! Can you imagine? A triumph over hell becoming a deflated defeat. the greatest tedium! No amount of magpies and no amount of crows could form any sort of anything to reach me. I thought to myself, “I came to hell to destroy all of the devils and imps, and there is but one left”. I lay on my stomach on the floor of this bottomless pit contemplating removal from rebirth, not nirvana, not annihilation, but to become void and null, to become the floor I lay on. I turned over on my back and gazed up at the exquisite emptiness, emptiness in all directions and in all manners, from the floor of hell to the ceiling of heaven. My gaze then became emptiness. My mind then became emptiness. In this way becoming was emptied, and with it suffering. I could no longer find tedium. For the sake of true love and with excitement a vow was uttered silently.
Submitted May 18, 2020 at 05:02AM by autonomatical https://ift.tt/2AuQmBl
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