[Help] [Beginner] Started meditating at home, motivated. Finally went to a Zen dojo, disappointed.

I went to a Zen dojo yesterday. My experience left me a bit disappointed, tl;dr and the end.

I started meditating alone after a person I met during a travel introduced me to some sort of meditation he learned in Tibet. I've always found that interesting, and I enjoyed the experience. When I went back home, I started reading about meditation and watching videos, I discovered that maybe that was some form of Vipassanā, also I found the experience shared similarities to Jon Kabat-Zinn's guided meditation in his talk at Google, (I also discovered I've already watched that video years ago, I was interested in meditation but never had the chance to practice, let alone met someone who did practice). I found the experience also shared similarities with Zazen. So I started reading about Zazen, I liked it. And I started practicing alone at home for a month or so. I know you are not supposed to expect something from Zazen, but for what is worth, I was enjoying the experience. I started sitting 10 minutes a day, then 15, the 15 twice a day, sometimes I would manage to relax and focus on the practice, sometimes not, I think I was getting used to the position and the focusing.

Recently I moved to a city in which there are a couple of Zen dojos, so I piked one and attended to an introduction to Zazen. For the most part, I'm glad I finally did because I could compare what I have been doing with the "real deal". This dojo is from the sect "Kozen Deshimaru" or something like that.

But that's where the disappointment bit started, I know the teacher who was in charge of the introduction had the best intentions in mind, and he probably imagined most of us have watched countless hours of youtube videos on Zazen. But his one hour explication of how to sit and breathe was far less clear and less informative than any 5 minutes youtube video, and led to absolutely the same practice. Then he explained Kinhin (btw I didn't know about Kinhin, so bonus points for that, I find that very interesting). That was followed by roughly a 25 minuted sitting meditation, 10 minutes Kinhin, and then 25 more minutes of sitting meditation. During the last 5 minutes or so before the last bell was rung, the teacher said something about a sutra and the more experienced practitioners started chanting a sutra. I thought that was nice, another new experience I got from this session.

After that, the teacher asked us about the experience. I told him my legs where hurting real bad at the end, probably because I wasn't used to sit for so long. That prevented me from focusing. I asked if they allow to use a chair or something. I usually do the Burmese position because its the only one I know I can sustain for about 15 minutes. But the first 25 minutes sitting left my legs in pain and in the second round I had so stretch every 5 minutes. His answer was, roughly translating: "there are no reasons a healthy person can't sit comfortably during the session, we don't use chairs unless you've underwent a medical procedure on your hips or something", an answer that left me feeling completely excluded. On a side note: I've always been perfectly healthy and my weight is well inside any health chart, I'm just not used to have my knees flexed for so long. He then said I may have been given a Zafu cushion too big or too small for my legs. But the one I was given already felt taller that the couple of cushions I stack at home for meditation. And I don't think a smaller one would do, my knees would not touch the mat.

Which leads me to my second question: I asked if they meditate at home. His answer was: "true Zen is something you do in a Zen dojo, at least for one hour". Which again left me feeling excluded and finished crushing my expectations. The rest of the new people didn't ask a thing. The experienced practitioners started doing chores, can't remember the name for that. I was left alone so I left.

I was expecting the teachers and practitioners to share something about their meditative experiences and be more open minded toward the practice. I'm sure they have more in depth classes (otherwise where do they learn the sutras?) but now I'm afraid those classes can be like this introduction: top-down and lacking in participation.

If that's their way of sitting. Why can't I do it at home and for increasing periods of time? Why wouldn't the teacher talk about the experience itself, not just the practice? Why wouldn't he encourage people to participate in conversations and question the practice? Why wouldn't he encourage new people?

Also, what should I do now? I can try the other dojo, but what if I have a similar experience?

tl;dr

I was introduced to some form of sitting meditation during a travel. Then I started reading about Zazen (and watching YouTube videos) and doing it alone, I thought I was doing fine, continued for a month or so. Then I went to a dojo to compare my experience. The introduction to the practice was more or less what I expected. But no more explanation was given aside from how to adopt the posture. The practice was just sitting for roughly an hour. The teacher said Zazen can only be practiced like that, in a dojo and for at least one hour. Sited with your legs crossed in any of the positions, with no excuse, even if it hurts. Nobody argues him or debate about they experiences. That of course discourages me from going back to that dojo, but also from practicing at home. What should I do?

Submitted January 27, 2020 at 12:08AM by OneEyedDwarf https://ift.tt/2vmzcDr