My introduction to Buddhism was two fold. I am very interested in theology and the social psychology associated with it. As such I had read bits and pieces about it at the most general level.
More importantly to me; I was going through a really hard time and a friend gifted to me a tiny book by Thich Nhat Hanh. It would not be far from truth to say that this gift may have saved my life as I was in a really bad place. I have since gifted that book to another whom I hoped it would help similarly.
For me many of the things I read were simple easy truths that I could remind myself of when my mind started spinning. The simplest answers to ideas I had overcomplicated in my mind. For me, the biggest idea, I later discovered, were The Four Noble Truths. More accurately for me up to this point it has been the first three truths.
Paraphrased: Life is suffering, Suffering comes from attachment, There can be an end to suffering.
The ideas associated with this were huge for me. Because they were simple and they made since.
Somewhere in my life I was taught that "truth" is relative. For something to be a "fact" it has to be true from wherever you observe it. Always.
To me, based on those definitions, those three Truths seemed to be closer to fact as any philosophical or religious concept I had seen in the past. For me, they are a very helpful anchor to life.
I also wanted to learn to meditate. My purpose in this was to learn to calm myself without medication when I was having an anxiety attack.
Then I did a thing. I started to read about Buddhism. I started running into things that I didn't understand. Worse, for me, I started to run into things I didn't agree with. I found inconsistencies that I so wanted to believe I would not find in my search. I was quite disappointed, but not discouraged. I am quite skilled in learning to take the "good" parts of a thing and attempting to apply them while leaving the "bad".
I wanted to be able to call myself a Buddhist. I wanted to make a connection with and a commitment to this concept and way of life. The problem for me was I didn't agree with all of it. I did not want to be disingenuous. I kept reading...
I found a simple text on Zen. The general premise was to sit. Why? Just to sit. To be. To be present. Sit. Breathe. Be present. That was all. There were no other demands.
So I sat. I sat daily. Starting at 2 minutes a sitting. They were hard minutes for me because at the time I felt I had to be able to clear my mind of thought to be sitting "correctly".
To this day I have not been able to clear my mind of all thought. I am not sure I believe it is even possible.
I continued to sit. I decided if I wanted to continue I would have to let go of the expectation that I had to clear my mind of thought.
I extending my sessions to 5 mins. It was during this time I learned what the Monkey Mind was and that the best way to deal with it was to let it be. Acknowledge it and let it go. It was also during this time that I found and read that Zen did not rely on teachings or writings. It was instead to be an intuitive realization. Of what? Of... everything ... of nothing.
I realized that I had many of what I call epiphanies. Little answers to questions I didn't even know I had. Solutions to problems I hadn't even recognized were there. They would pop into my mind. Sometimes they would ride in on my monkey mind. Sometimes they would come to me right at the end of the session. Sometimes they would be the result of catching a hold of a thought I was trying to let go but failing in that effort.
What was certain... I was learning. Not from books. Not from lectures. Not from YouTube. Not from masters local or otherwise (there is no local Buddhist community in my town). I was leaning from sitting. I was learning from calming my mind and even, sometimes, from failing to do so.
At this point, for a large part, I stopped reading as much. I stopped watching as much from the internet. I just sat.
My sessions got up to about 45 mins to an hour each of formal sitting. My day did not allow for much more time than that. But I learned to meditate in a sense while walking to and from my car. While driving. I started riding a motorcycle which is a great time for me because to the extent that I can, I meditate. I can be present in the moment.
I read some now. Not just Buddhist text or teaching but any wisdom I can find and pass it through my own filter of experience. I stick with the Noble Truths and academically understand Buddhism much more than I did at the start.
If I am being honest though, I care much less about that than I do about the learning I get from just sitting, from those epiphanies. Those simple truths that seem to border on fact that I have realized on my own through the effort of sitting and trying (still unsuccessfully) to quiet my mind.
I do call myself a Buddhist now if asked or if it comes up. I feel no shame or disingenuousness in it. I consider myself a Zen Buddhist based solely on the idea that the focus of Zen is to sit. Zen, Chan, Meditate. I do this. I sit. It helps me in so many unexpected ways.
This is why I was quite confused when I saw many of the confrontations here on this sub. They made me, once again, reevaluate my vocabulary. Not my focus, not my belief, not my faith or intent when sitting, but surely my vocabulary.
The first thread I read here was on "What is Zen" also "What isn't Zen"
When I am asked my thoughts on Buddhism I often start with the caveat that it is hard to speak about because it sounds like I am talking in circles when I speak of it. (something I felt when I first started reading it as well.)
I feel like I can now provide the answer I came here looking for in the first place. What is Zen? Zen isn't anything, and Zen is everything. It is what it is to you right now. I have read many people describe it as a flowing river. For me I prefer to liken it to an ocean. Zen can be a single drop of water in the ocean and you can spend your life searching for it. Eventually you may realize that the ocean is a single drop of water and you knew where it was all along. You just didn't realize it yet.
I hope that I have been clear in my presentation of my path... so far. I by no means feel my path is correct or incorrect nor that of any other is any more or less correct.
I would love to hear any thoughts you have on what I have presented.
Edit: Some grammar and spelling
Submitted October 25, 2019 at 12:08AM by LilJimyG https://ift.tt/2PePndR
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