This past summer I really got into Zen and Taoism, with books and meditation. Im currently in my third year of university studying neuroscience and just had two midterm exams today in chemistry and physics. Every other time I've taken exams, I've felt fear, anxiety, stress, worry. I'd try so hard, study late, and overthink constantly haha. This time though, it was odd, but in a nice way. Leading up to the exams, there was no stress. Life was as it was. I didnt plan. I studied when I felt like it, slept when i was tired, and didnt try to calculate if Ive prepared enough or what could be asked of me. I did what I did and left it at that. Sitting in the exam, i felt at ease, but still found myself biting my nail (old habits I guess haha). I didnt have those thoughts I used to of "you got this! it will be okay", I just saw it as a piece of paper. There was no 'me' who was going to do the exam. I didnt try to mentally calm myself, didnt try to relax, didnt try to do my best. I just wrote what I thought it asked of me and then left. For the first time ever, I wasn't aiming at a goal. I was just doing. And when I left, I left. I have no idea how i did, and im honestly not very worried about it. Theres no 'me' who will pass or fail. No reward to gain, nothing to lose. It is as it is. Grades don't exist in the concrete. And now is a completely new moment, unaffected by what was. For the first time I've seen exams for what they are, pieces of paper with some ink on them. To think ive feared such 'suchness' throughout my life haha, all a bit silly really. Just thought I'd share the experience!
Submitted October 22, 2019 at 08:58AM by aaaa2016aus https://ift.tt/33RrsVU
No comments:
Post a Comment