I love my insomnia

Hi, I am a young adult of twentytwo and I have had insomnia problems for about one and a half year now. I am writing here because it feels surprisingly satisfying to share my insomnia pathway.

When I first got insomnia, a lot of questions raised. Why me? I thought I always slept good? I am so peaceful and meditative person, right? Me, being far from a stressed person, thought it was nothing for me at all. Of course, these questions only increased my sleeplessness.
It is such a peculiar thing. When I absolutely dont care what happens to my night, I fall asleep in a second. When I try even a little to help myself, I get a little anxious. This anxious feeling immediately grows on me, sometimes making you to stay up until 5 in the night. It is hard then, when you have to get up for work at 8.

Some years before the start of my Insomnia, I have found that I love meditation. I got in touch with it through the lectures of Alan Watts. Closely after, I had multiple moments of awakening, which changed my life changed completely. I started to love all these little things, like seeing the light come through my window or looking at the moving shadows, as they seemed to eat the stones and let them dissolve in darkness. And instead of acting like most 18 year olds, doing something like playing games and hanging on the couch, I found myself on the floor of my student room staring at my tea cup in silence.

But anxiety, ofcourse, made its turn on me. And very fast, it changed my flowering life into a tired bubble. The moment I woke up tired I thought about sleep. When I was eating my lunch, I thought about whether or not I was going to sleep. When I was taking a shower in the evening, I thought about the coming sleep. And 'wow! 'surprisingly, that night I was not able to sleep. I started to follow all the different advices I could find, but nothing would help. Until one night, somewhere around the clock of 2, I saw very clearly that my mind was completely nonsensical.

Literally all the time, I am talking to myself. It was that night that I saw that I was LITERALLY talking to myself and responding to what I said to myself as if I was 2 persons. It is a conversation! How is it possible to have a conversation with yourself? I was supposed to be 1 guy, right? This calmed me down very fast. I fell asleep some minutes after.

The fundamental problem for me seems to be trying. While I only want to help myself, I am simply destroying myself. When I realize that I am fine, whatever happens to me, my body relaxes and gets the chance to rejuvinate itself.

This conclusion starts to be a lot like meditation for me. I see that I am simply ALIVE and that I can not do the slightest thing to improve myself. Forcing good will on my life is only destructive.

The funny thing is that these realizations didnt even kill my insomnia problems totally, and as I am writing now I am quite tired, sleeping somewhat 5 hours last night. The 'night mind' is often much different than my daymind which causes me to fall back on anxious and hateful feelings when I am sleepy and i cannot darn f*ck get myself to rest while it is the only F*CKing thing i want at that moment.

But more often it does help me. I care less and less about the outcomes of my night, and see that I can still have a marvelous day, without a night of restful sleep.

Sometimes I think about the way this sleeping disorder developed, and I am still amazed by how I did everything. Now, I see that overcoming insomnia may be the biggest step I have set towards inner peace. Because wow, this sleep thing has been hard on me, like, really. And it feels like such a relieve to say that I feel that I have overcome it, even though I am still sleeping not so well sometimes. For me it is more the feeling that I am not FIGHTING insomnia anymore. Because FIGHTING insomnia is totally destructive, while sleeplessness is just quite tiring. And I can see so many connections now. because after all, fighting your thoughts is the mistake if you want to become silent. In the same way, you probably hurt yourself if you cut your vegetables aggressively, or if you drive your car in a angry mindset. Much better is loving what you do and how you do it.

Therefore I can now say: I LOVE MY INSOMNIA! I love how everything went in my life, from a dying father to meeting the love of my life. Everything developed how it should have, and I love every little aspect of my life. I love you guys reading this, I love loving, damnidoozle, I love it all. Have a good day.. bye:)

Submitted May 07, 2019 at 08:33PM by joipjoipjoipjoip http://bit.ly/2WwO2jE